


In The Dark

by 2Elenora2



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, Showering in the dark, Something I saw on tumblr, a simple one shot, and now he showers in the dark, and so i applied this to jack, because they couldn't look at themselves, mentions of overdose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-11 19:03:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20158555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Elenora2/pseuds/2Elenora2
Summary: Jack was thirteen when he was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, and after expressing to his therapist he hadn't been showering because of how he hated seeing himself, she told him to try showering in the dark. And so he did, and he's never stopped.*Possible trigger warning for those with body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders, overdose etc*





	In The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> *Possible trigger warning for those with body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders overdose etc*  
I also wrote this in one sitting, late at night, so if there are any errors or typos, please give me a heads up.  
I did see a tumblr post where someone who wasn't showering because they hated seeing their body, and their therapist suggested showering with the lights off. So that's what inspired this one shot.

When Jack Zimmerman was thirteen, he sat in his therapists office. This was nothing new, he’d been seeing Kathryn for at least two years now. She was nice. She would sit there for the beginning of the session, listening intently and raising her thinly pencilled eyebrow. After Jack had finished venting, she would look at her notebook and hum, tapping her pen against the paper. She’d smile and say, “Lets unpack that, shall we?”

As far as therapists go, Jack was glad that he would see her weekly. This meant that they built up a good relationship. He trusted her and she’d learnt his ques, and knew when there was something he wanted to say but couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“What is it, Jack.” She asked. She leant forward, putting her notepad down, signalling that they were going to talk about what was really troubling him.

“I just… don’t like myself.” He muttered. “I hate the way I look.”

“Okay, tell me a little more about that.” And so Jack did. He told her how he felt weird when people in the locker room would look at him. That when he looked in the mirror he saw a version of himself that no one else saw. “Is that all?”

“Sometimes I don’t shower- and I know this is gross, I know.” Jack sighed, putting his head in his hands. 

“It’s okay. Go on.” Kathryn encouraged.

“But, I don’t shower sometimes because it’s too hard to look at myself.” He looked down at his hands. It was stupid. He knew it was. But sometimes he just couldn’t look at himself without feeling disgusted. He told her all this, and she nodded. 

“Well, you could just shower without any lights?” She suggested. Jacks head snapped up, and he looked at her curiously. “For now at least. You need to be showering. In the meantime, we will work on this, okay?”

Jack nodded.

Ever since then, Jack has showered with the lights off. While he was a lot better now, he had an easier time distinguishing between thoughts that were irrational and he enjoyed the feeling of showering in the dark. It was calming, not being able to see, only feeling the rush of the water over his body.

Admittedly, it did take a while to get used to. There were plenty of times when he would knock things over, fumble and grab the wrong thing. The first time he knocked over the shampoo, his mother came bursting in and was immediately confused when she opened the door to complete darkness. 

Eventually, he found a rhythm. Everything had a place, and that meant he didn’t knock things over.

~*~

After he had overdosed and was in the rehab facility, he found that showering in the dark made the hard days easier. He could pretend he was in any shower, whether it be at home, at the rink. He didn't have to be at this rehab facility. 

He would sometimes stand there for so long that a nurse would come wandering in, looking for him. One nurse, Louise, he had grown really close with. She reminded him of Kathryn, and he found it easy to speak to her. 

On one particularly hard day, Jack turned off the lights, turned on the shower and sat on the floor. He had no idea how long he was there for, but it was so long that Louise had come looking for him when he missed exercise time.

"Jack?" She said, knocking on the door to the bathroom. "You okay?"

"Yeah." He said shakily. 

"Can I come in?" She asked. 

"Sure." 

Louise sat with him in the dark, chatting to him. Slowly, things got better and he was able to get up and turn the shower off. 

"I'll be in the dining hall, okay?"

~*~

While at Samwell, he was able to handle showering in the locker room after games and practices. He made them extremely quick, but he was able to handle it.

Team mates always joked about how fast he showered, and Jack always made the joke that his shower times were normal, thank you, and that they were the ones taking a long time.

The only person who ever knew about his weird shower habit was Shitty, and as per usual, Shitty didn’t mind. Often, he would come lay in the tub and chat to Jack. Well, Shitty would rant and Jack would listen and occasionally chime in.

“So dude, I’ve always accepted your weirdness.” Shitty said, while Jack was in the middle of the shower.

“Okay…” Jack chuckled.

“But why do you shower in the dark?”

“I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder when I was younger.” Jack said. He then went on and told Shitty the story. Shitty was quiet as Jack recounted how he used to feel, and how he told his therapist that, and how she told him to try this. “I guess I just never stopped.”

“Right on, dude.” He responded.

For a long time, it stayed between the two of them. Shitty would often check in on Jack, ask him how he was feeling.

He didn’t think much about showering in the dark until one day, when he and Eric had been dating for a while. They’d made their way to the bathroom, and Eric, who was mostly undressed, paused when Jack sat down on the closed toilet.

“You okay?” Eric asked.

“Uh,” Jack sighed. Eric came over and bent down, placing his hands on Jacks knees.

“You can always talk to me.” Eric smiled reassuringly.

“It’s, uh.” Jack sighed. “I shower with no lights on.”

Eric didn’t judge, or laugh, or scowl or ask why. He simply smiled, got up and turned the lights off.

“Whoa. It’s really dark in here.” He laughed.

“I’ve got you.” Jack said, coming up behind Eric, and holding onto his shoulders.

They’d both gotten in the shower, only just. Eric almost walked into the shower, and luckily Jack had stopped him. They giggled and both hopped under the stream. The feeling was always the same. It never changed. It was always warm and calming, and he felt safe and secure. As the water sprayed down his back, he felt the days anxiety go down the drain.

“Jack.” Eric whispered. “Where’s the uh, soap?”

“Like I said, I’ve got you.” Erics back was pressed against Jacks chest. Jack softly placed his hand on Erics shoulder and slowly moved his hand down Erics bicep, down his arm, until his hand was placed on top of Erics. Eric sighed, and leaned further back into Jack, who guided Erics hand towards the soap in front of them. This type of intimacy was simple. It was just two people, nothing between them and no expectations. It was nice. Comforting even. He never thought he’d have this with anyone.

Eric noticed the way Jack didn’t faulter or stumble. He questioned Jack. “I’ve been doing this since I was thirteen, and everything has a place, and after a while it just became muscle memory.”

“Can I ask why?” Eric whispered, soaping up the sponge and turning to face Jack. It was so dark, Jack couldn’t even see Erics face. Eric began running the sponge across Jacks chest, his fingertips grazing it as he did so.

Jack sucked in a deep breath and began to tell Eric the story. As he spoke, Eric signalled for Jack to spin around.

“I just got used to it. It would be weird to shower with the light on.” Jack murmured as Eric softly washed his back.

“Well, it’s actually really nice.” Eric said, rinsing the sponge out and turning around. He handed it to Jack, who then put more soap on it and began to was Erics back.

They stood under the stream together for a little while longer, in the darkness, together.


End file.
